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In January, 2003, I had the pleasure to photograph Bridgett and Tania in a sexual situation. It was a hot shoot and one of the pictures is in my book, Vanilla Sex.

All three of us moved on in different directions, but several years ago I heard from Lee Harrington (formerly Bridgett) that he had transitioned. When I emailed that I supported his decision, he told me that Tania had also transitioned and suggested a followup shoot with himself and Turtle. Long story short, it happened in January, 2010.

I've paired pictures from the two shoots here; there are six more pairs below. After that are statements from Lee and Turtle presenting their feelings about these events, in the contexts of their lives.

Turtle's comments.

Most of my life has only moved in one direction, forward; but with this new shoot with Michael and Lee I was able to look back at the history of my body and my relationship with it. I started out as the Catholic daughter of a truck driver and a secretary in a small New England town. Since then things have changed just a bit in my life. One of those changes was moving to San Francisco, another was coming out as queer and as transgender. I've never liked being photographed and thanks to my strict Catholic upbringing and my issues with my body I never thought I would be shooting erotica.

By 2003 I had gotten to the point where instead of ignoring my body I had come to value it and not be ashamed of it. I also wanted to become more comfortable with it and one of the ways was by being photographed. I wasn't sure if I was going to physically transition but I wanted to make peace with the body I had at that time. At the time I was working as a professional domina and my body was a core part of my business.

So when Lee approached me in 2003 to do an explicit shoot with Michael I was hesitant but excited. I knew Lee ran his own site and had done shoots before, not to mention I had found him hot since we had met and played at Burning Man the year before. I think that shoot worked so well because we weren't focused on Michael or the potential images but just on each other. We had no sexual relationship with each other before the shoot so it was like we were exploring each other as we documented ourselves. Looking at the pictures afterward was the first time I had ever viewed myself having sex. I looked far smaller than I felt and I was able to appreciate my body aesthetically.

Flash-forward to 2010. Things have changed for both Lee and me, not the least of which was that we both physically transitioned to male. I hadn't done a photo shoot since long before I had top surgery. After spending years focusing on my physical transition and body, I had the pleasure of it being a non-issue. At 35 I'm chubby and I don't work anymore and I've been out of sex work for years. So much more than just my body has changed since the first shoot.

I was happy upon meeting Lee the day before our recent shoot to find that as hot as I found him when he appeared to be a girl, I found him as faggy gay boy to be even hotter, and I was excited to be a dirty gay boy with him.

The ideal I had was to recreate the first shoot, but it became clear that the more we focused on trying to directly recreate, the less genuine it became. I realized that the more we connected with each other and with who we are now, the more the shoot actually recreated the true feeling and spirit of the original shoot. I started at first interacting with Lee as the person I used to know before remembering that we had to get to know each other as we are now.

It was interesting trying to do some the same things we did before. All the physical changes became more apparent, funny things like the fact I have weaker arms and less flexibility than before due to age and activity which no amount of T can change. My nipples, which used to be totally insensitive, are now super sensitive. Not to mention all the emotional changes around how I feel about my body: before I transitioned I felt far more disengaged from my body and in some ways that made sex easier since there was less emotional vulnerability; but now that my body is more or less as I have always viewed it in my mind, I am a lot more connected with my emotions when having sex.

Reconnecting with someone who has also gone through similar changes (although Lee's path and journey has been different than my own) was challenging but very rewarding. Doing the shoot now feels like a bookend for my physical transformation. When the first shoot happened I was trying to get know my body to decide what I wanted to do; with this shoot I am celebrating the wonderfully imperfect body I have now. It's not just about the transformation from female to male but about aging in the last 7 years, about moving from my 20's to the middle of the 30's and about the contentment I have now with my body.

Lee's comments.

Going back

How often do we get to go back and try again? A bit over a week ago I got to step back and hit replay. Turtle and I met at BurningMan in 2001 or 2002, but in the first few months of 2003 we decided to shoot porn together. We'd never been lovers before.

In January 2010 we went back. Same studio. Same backdrop. Different lube. Different genders. Both Turtle and I transitioned from female to male in the past few years... both taking the journey on in our own ways.

Turtle and I had not played in many many years. Not that we haven't stayed in touch- we just have different tastes, different directions, different desires. I think he's a great guy. This was also my first porn shoot with a male photographer since my transition.

Turtle and I met up the day before for coffee, just to make sure there was still some sort of spark or chemistry. Because the truth is, it sucks if there isn't. It was still there, but now it was cruising each other as unabashed queer fags as compared to hot chica gender dubious dominatrixes. We also talked life and health realities, to have it out of the way. The next day the 3 of us- Turtle, myself and the photographer, Michael Rosen, sat down for lunch.

We decided to re-shoot certain concepts and poses. I'd suck cock, get fisted, and Turtle would have me go down on him. We'd try to get maybe not the same shot, but the same kind of shot...

Walking into the space was like walking back in time. Different prints on the wall, but same artistic vision. Same pad under the back drop. Same... except we were and we weren't.

I don't do porn much anymore for a reason. Turtle tried to bite me and it just sucked... and I wasn't sure how to react in front of the camera. Being told to hold or recreate a pose by a white guy not involved in my scene had me dissociate. I was able to anally fist myself, but the gloves being too loose on Turtle's hand just hurt inside my ass. In short, it was really hard.

Since my transition began, I've shot some porn with Emmy Van Ewyk with my former partner, Hunter. I shot with IFeelMyself.com, doing gender queer sex porn and interviews on gender. I also did a really fun video shoot with Handbasket Productions, transguy on transwoman porn by crazy feminists from Eugene, shot on a river. None of which I would describe as "standard porn." Hell, the Handbasket folks had 6 kinds of eco-friendly sparkly beverages and organic watermelon on set. It was not classic porn.

It was very challenging for me to have some white guy who wasn't in my sex life, wasn't into me, and in short was not there for part of the sex to tell me to hold. I'm being brutally honest. I adore Michael. I love his artistic vision. But between the bad pain and that, I just kept not being me, kept slipping out of body, kept floundering in self...

But then we broke from the script. Turtle and I walked sideways from the script and *actually* started playing. Tongues to nipples to cocks to asses stretched wide and him opening me up wide and...

It was hot. It was fun. It was really good. It was... authentic.

The reality is, sex without authenticity sucks for me. Sucks for most of us. And the other reality is that I am NOT the person I was 7 years ago. Not sexually, not emotionally. I am the same body, but I am a different human because I have lived between... and stepping back into the same space with the same set does not change that.

And to quote my friend Brent Dill- "Remember to put quote marks around all instances of reality."

So the first half of the shoot sucked because I did not stand up for me. I went into former me, me that used to regularly do what they were told on porn sets even when they *knew* something else would be hotter/better/more inspiring just because its what the producer wanted. What I should have done? I should have said "let's re-create these 6 exact poses and then play for your camera." But I didn't. I gave away my power because in travelling back in time I thought I needed to. More fool me.

Because when I took that power back, got back to doing what Michael actually likes shooting- raw authentic hot sex and intimacy... its when the gold came.

The gold of our souls comes from being us, today.

It was a great experience and I am grateful for having gotten to do it. Will I shoot porn again in the future? Likely yes. Especially if I get to do it in my own bedroom (that has never stopped, and certain folks know how to find the footage), or on my own terms, or with my own lovers who are actually my lovers anyway having the sex we would have anyway or taking suggestions from folks who find us hot. I'll likely try to shoot with Trannywood and NoFauxxx for example, or Madison Young or once my tummy is flatter, put in proposals for various projects at Kink.com. Even when equation-built, there is still freshness there.

I cheated Michael by not being fresh. I cheated myself. But, in the end my authenticity shone through, and with the help of Turtle, had an absolute blast. And now I know, and knowing is half the orgasm...

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